Perfection is Bogus

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What! I’m not perfect? I’m not the perfect mama, wife, mommy blogger, or RN? This is news to me!

Honestly, the idea of perfection is bogus. If I thought I was the perfect anything I would stop learning, perfecting, and evolving in my roles at home and at work. I can strive to be the best in all that I do but I will never truly be perfect. There is always something new to master. I would also imagine that perfection is boring, static. You are at the top so there is no where else to go.

However, as much as I do enjoy Pinterest and the internet in general it does make me think that I’m lacking in my parenting and baking skills. I have to take it in stride. I have to make do with what I can do with my skills and limited time. One can only look at the pretty pictures and dream.

In response to today’s BlogHer’s NaBloPoMo prompt
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Do you feel pressure to be perfect? How much of it is tied to what you see online?

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On Fire

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I came home from work Thursday night to find Ale on fire with fever. He was asleep in his bed but his breathing was fast. I did not bother to check his temperature. His chest was like touching an oven door. About an hour later he began throwing up. The worse part was that unlike last year he was fully aware of what was happening. He saw the throw up on the bed and on me. Ale knew that this came from within him and it frightened him. I had to change my clothing on the spot because it was too much for him to see it on my sleeve.

After struggling with administering ibuprofen, a round of Caillou and holding Ale close like a newborn baby he fell asleep at 2am. My husband and I then had to figure out what to do with Ale in the morning that was fast approaching. Who can we get to stay with him as going to daycare with a fever is out of the question. My husband decided to stay home.

Ale apparently was ok during the day. A slight elevated temperature but he was still laughing and jumping. Then again I get home around 9pm from work and again he felt very warm. Fever always seems to happen at night.

At midnight I took his temperature. 102.3F!! I am a nurse I take people’s temps all day long. The nurse part of my head knew that Ale was ok. He was alert and oriented despite the fever but my mama heart yelled out. Ale, my baby, is on fire! I then became that mom who calls the MD at midnight. I had to call and hear the MD’s voice filled with the “you silly mom you just woke me up for this” tone on the other line so my irrational fears of brain damage, infant seizures, and sepsis would go away.

There is nothing worse than seeing your little one suffering. It shakes you from within and you suddenly remember how fragile life is. So today, Monday, Ale is just almost back to his old self but he’s staying home again. We have enlisted grandma to stay with him while we work- just in case. Besides its 25F in New York City today. Why subject him to this brutal cold? Keeping him warm and safe from the day care germs just one more day sounds like a good idea to me.

Image from: http://www.bubblews.com/news/1103203-how-do-you-know-when-your-child-has-a-fever

Fall Weekend

The last few weeks I have been stressed with work, looking into preschools and now I’m also planning Ale’s second birthday party. This past weekend was like an oasis for me. I had both Saturday and Sunday off from work and I made the best of it.

On Saturday my husband and I celebrated our wedding anniversary. We got tickets to take a beer tasting cruise on the Clipper City sailboat that goes around lower Manhattan. Grandma came to look after Ale while we were away.

It was a perfect fall day. It was sunny but not hot. The beers that we tried were fantastic sand the views were spectacular. We had a lot of fun on the two hour sail.

We generally don’t go on date nights together. We don’t even really have a babysitter so it was fantastic to get away and remember ourselves without Ale.
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The following day, Sunday, we went to the Queens County Farm along with grandma. This is one of the largest surviving farms in New York City. What a delightful place! Ale loved the animals especially the chickens and the sheep. We went on a hayride and picked out a small pumpkin. To round out the fun the fall weekend I made an apple cake when we got home.

These are the kinds of days that keep me going!

Now I can go back to the grind- with a smile on my face.

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Tuesdays With Ale : Shopping!

This Tuesday we did the usual morning routine. We went to the park to play. On the way home, however, mama made a stop… at a shoe store… that was having a summer sale. Needless to say mama went crazy and bought two pairs of sandals and spent a pretty penny on them. Thank goodness this store has a small space for kids to play. Mama was busy!

Justification. Do I need one? Not really. I have not bought a new pair of shoes in over a year. The last time I was in that store it was spring time and I bought shoes for Ale. Mama needs some fun and to update her look every once in a while. Being a RN who wears scrubs all day and being a mom makes it all too easy to slide into the not caring too much about your self mode. Has Ale been fed, bathed, combed, and does he have a fresh diaper on? YES! Did mama run out of the house this morning and forget to brush her teeth? Even while rock’n her new sandals?YES! YES! — I can’t win all of the time!

Here are my new beauties. One pair of gold clogs- because everyday should be a party! The other is a pair of fuchsia wedges because they are berry delicious, light and comfy.

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Doors and Rooms

I

At 6:15am I’m sitting at the dining table having my breakfast. Cereal, coffee and a banana. I hear Ale’s little feet hitting the floor running down the hall into the living room. He stops when he reaches the table. Ale climbs into my lap and I nuzzle his head. He smells of sleep and the almond soap from last nights bath. I drink in his smell filling up for the day.

He points to my coffee, “Hot, hot, hot”. He says in a whisper and giggles touching the lukewarm cup. “Ale,” I say, “do you want some of mama’s cereal?”. “Noooo!” He opens his mouth anyway and I give him a spoonful.

I glance at the clock, 6:30am. I have to go to work. My husband comes down the hall in pajamas, his eyes are still heavy. I put Ale down on the sofa and give him a kiss on his forehead. My husband sits with him and shows him a picture book of trucks. I grab my coat and bag and I slip out the front door.

II

I enter at the hospital where I work as a labor and delivery nurse at 7am through the revolving doors. The elevator in the back lobby takes me up to the sixth floor. At the nurses station they are having the change of shift staff meeting. I get my assignment – Room 5 and Room 9.

Throughout the day I walk in and out of these rooms. Each one is a world in itself. I have been in each room hundreds of times but the rooms come alive with the presence of the patients, their families and their belongings.

The rooms can transform into fragrant gardens filled with flowers and bright light with the window shades up. A hippy mama sanctuary with quiet reggae music playing in the background, and the scent of massage oil thick in the air while the expectant mom bounces on a birthing ball. The rooms can sadly become somber and dark yet full of love when there is a fetal demise.

At 5:27pm my patient in Room 9 gives birth to a baby girl. After the delivery I escape into the privacy of the supply room to check my phone. I hope to find a photo or video of Ale from my husband with an update on his day at daycare. A photo of him playing in the sandbox greets me. I smile, reach for a bag of IV fluid and run back into Room 9.

III

It’s 8:45pm by the time I re-enter my home. As I walk through the door I hear basketball on TV and smell the roasted chicken and potatoes my husband made for us for dinner. Ale is asleep. Like always I want to go and wake him. Instead I kiss his head and wait for the morning to come again.

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This is my extremely loose interpretation of the Weekly Writing Challenge : Through the Door

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/05/06/writing-challenge-door/#more-23690

Must Also Take Care of Me

I’m a nurse and I’m a mom. This makes an awful combination- I’m always taking care of others and my needs – emotional/ physical – get placed on the back burner more often than most. Yes, I love my job and little boy but when I come home after 10Pm after working 12+ hours and then I must take care of a baby it places a great strain on me. I’m so tired that I just want to pass out. I don’t know how it happens but I am always able to muster up the strength to keep on going. To make up for this I’m desperately laking in self care. 

Examples:

Sleep- If i sleep 4 hours its a victory.

Shower- many days optional. 

Hair- have not cut it in ages, its the longest its been in years.

Clothing- I wear the same items over and over. Most of my shirts have food stains or toddler goo. 

Its time to change this!

My husband for Christmas gave me a gift certificate to go to an upscale new spa. The gift certificate included a 15 minute massage. Now you would think that I would have run out the next day to get this done as my back was aching like never before. No, I put it off, and made silly excuses about my toddler goo clothing, my toes needing a pedicure, or I had to clean the house. Finally, after my husband hounding me about not going, I went last week. It was the best thing I have done for myself in a long time. Yes, I had my toddler goo shirt on, but I put on a little makeup and rocked it out!

The spa day was great and the massage was just what I needed, although a bit painful as my back has been bothering me. When the massage was over the masseuse said to me, “I must ask you what do you do for a living, as your back muscles were so tense- the most I’ve seen in a while. You must be careful as you can have problems in the future.” His comment was like a wake up call. Yes, I must take care of myself. If I can not take care of me, I can’t fully take care of my patients at work or my little boy.

So I’ve decided that I must- no matter what- make time for me. So my hair appointment is booked, and I will go shopping this week for a new shirt!